I have four typed pages of this book in my "Writing" folder on my laptop. One day, I may muster the courage and find the time to complete it in its entirety, but until then, this will have to do.
I found a grey hair the other day. No, it was not in my food or from the Australian Shepherd with whom I share a townhome. It was on my head. Time seems to move more quickly in isolation and apparently, we age expeditiously as well.
Nevertheless, it was a bit of a wake-up call. My eyes began to blink away the remaining bits of sleep in the corners of my eyes and for the first time, in about a year, I began to really search my soul again.
After departing a romantic relationship, graduating and moving on from a beloved home, traveling to Israel, job searching, and truly living for the first time without much inhibition and structure for as long as I can remember; to finding a new job, returning to a beloved home, and moving once more; to deciding it was time to start dating again and entering a new normal. It has been a hell of a year.
One might think I have had plenty of time to think about who I am, what I want, and where I am going. While some of that has happened, for the most part, I have thrown aside introspection, and I have just lived.
I made decisions I never thought I would be bold enough to make, along with decisions I will classify as an "oops, you live and you learn." But I am not going to second guess them. I lived spontaneously and laughed often. I questioned everything I had ever been taught, everything the world was telling me, and everything I believed. I fell in and out and back in love with God, all the while not praying that much.
I cried and I shouted, but then I moved on. I felt anxious and paralyzed, but then I began to breathe. I found out I was an extrovert, but some people really annoy me and that I really annoy some people. I discovered dating apps are frustrating, but you can meet some pretty great people; along with some people who are just as confused as you are about how to find love in the 21st century.
Most importantly, I discovered I am where I need to be. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc. It is not perfect, and even though this is slightly disconcerting to my Enneagram Type 1 self, it is more than enough.
More than enough to be loved by others, to make a difference, to find happiness. It has taken me way too long to acknowledge this.
I often hear it said, "The timing was just not right." "We are too different." "I don't know where I will be in _____." "I don't know..." "I just can't..." "They will never..." "We wouldn't be able to..."To which I respond: The timing is never right. We do not know a lot of things. I believe we are called to at least try. We are constantly changing, growing, learning, and as morbid as this sounds, dying.
But
We are also living. Living in an age where mental health is a crisis, where we fail to communicate resulting in death and hatred. Living during a time where if you do not believe one thing, you certainly must believe the opposite (polarization). Living with unrealistic expectations of success, others, and for our selves. Living, believing, and bowing to the loudest voice in the room, whether it be the politician on TV or criticism of someone who is supposed to love us.
We live to be in relationship with others, not to be controlled and manipulated by them.
This is why our relationship with politics, the news, our family, our friends, significant others, and our faith matter. Why our relationship with social media, our bodies, and mental well-being matter. This is why our relationship with the annoying person, the exiled person, the different person, the Republican, the Democrat, the other person in the room, down the street, across the country, matter.
Relationships matter. Not to be manipulated discarded, or ignored, but to show we are forever bound to one another as Dr. King says, in an "inescapable network of mutuality."
Relationships matter because humans are as Genesis 2 illustrates, pulled from one, and then joined back together.
We are meant to be together.
To care for one another, to fight for another, to love one another, no matter where we are or who we are.
So, for the next person, we encounter, perhaps it would do us all some good to look them in the eyes and say:
My name is ______, I am more than enough. My life is a little messy and there are pieces of me that are still healing. I am learning each day and I am still trying to figure things out. Some days I am happier and healthier than others, but this is who I am right now. Take me for who I am, or come back when you are willing to accept the person I have grown to be.
This is how meaningful relationships begin.
From romantic relationships to best friends, to relationships that change the world. Here is love, from me to you, and to everything and everyone in between.
Rudi