I could feel the sweat beginning to form on the back of my neck. My face was flushed, and my heart fluttered. I knew this feeling all to well. As the sweat dripped from my brow, I began what is now routine for me. Controlling my breathing, talking myself through what was happening:
You are feeling anxious. It is okay to feel this way. Even if you do not know why you are anxious. Slowly collect your thoughts, look around, there is nothing out of the ordinary. What is really happening? You are at church, the pastor is speaking, just listen. It is okay.
Slowly the perspiration stopped, and I began to forget all about my fluttering heart along with my momentary panic. Everything went back to normal as if nothing had happened.
But something had happened. Something had caused me to be anxious. I wonder if the people around me saw the sweaty guy near them and thought, “Damn, this sinner must be really convicted.”
Probably not because that is not how my church rolls, but anxiety does a great job of convincing you false realities are reality. Actually, a lot of things do that. *Insert soapbox speech about social media, celebrities, politics, freaking grocery store sales that are the same every week, etc.*
Now, a full 24-hours after my sweaty church experience, with full confidence I can acknowledge there is a lot going on in my life that was probably causing my anxious moment. None of which had to do with what my pastor was saying…sorry Justin; or perhaps that is a relief.
After a little over four full months of funemployment – where only two of the months were really fun and the other two were filled with serious doubts about whether or not I would ever be employed again – I had finally received a job offer.
Yay, go Rudi, right? Well if you are anything at all like me, your brain goes into hyperdrive and you begin to plan out the next twenty years of your life and how this job fits into your master plan. You also begin to question why the hell anyone would actually hire you because deep down you still act and feel like a child (sorry my sense of humor is more fun, and dark, than yours). Not to mention, can you actually do this job?
But we are not done. I am a single guy living with two of my best friends who happen to be married and whom I love dearly along with the absolute best dog in the world. The kindness my friends have shown me is unmatched and truly an embodiment of love derived from their faith. However, you should see some of the perplexed looks I get when I tell people where I live. I would be lying if I said I have not been a little insecure about explaining to people my employment status and living situation over the past several months.
Many of my friends have partners, kids, and are well into their careers. Sometimes I feel so far from where they are. I feel isolated from the life they lead and see a gap between my reality and theirs.
If you were to ask me ten years ago, where I thought I would be as I approached a new decade, I would probably tell you that I hoped to be excelling in my career, with a family, kids, and that I would be well established in a community.
But I am not there. The place I thought I would be, is not where I am. In many ways, all of what I had planned for and worked towards over the past decade since entering college, staying in college, and graduating, was a reality I had created.
Was it all for nothing? Are the beads of sweat warranted? My heart is beating so fast.
“Be still.” I recalled the opening words of the popular verse, Psalm 46:10, coincidentally shared at the beginning of the service.
Wherever you may find yourself today, I hope you can take time to be still. If you are feeling anxious, like you are not where you are supposed to be, or if your heart is beating out of your chest, try being still for just a moment.
Now look around. What is reality? Perhaps there is roof over your head, and you can be grateful for that today. Maybe you shared a laugh with a friend or stranger you met in the store. It could be that you finally received a job offer or some other great news. Lastly, none of this may be true for you and you are still looking for the silver lining or the takeaway from this post.
The silver lining is this moment, where, together we realize that none of the things we were worried about, fearful of, or suffocated by are actually a part of the reality we get to move forward into.
The negative comments, perceptions, expectations, that have created fear, unrest, anxiety, and maybe even depression, are not a part of the reality we are actually living in at the moment.
Right now, we are just still.
When you decide to move again, I hope you remember the stillness. I hope you appreciate the reality you can live into and have identified the false realities that you no longer have to live for. I hope that in stillness you find peace with where you are.